(Not) my poems

I sit here writing down poems
to the little black book I have
and I wonder if I really write this
because it doesn't seem real

These poems are unfamiliar to me
not because they seen far away
it's just like reading a text
with my handwriting but without having written it

Blinding white

I look at the future
and it's like the waves in the sea
looking very big and promising at distance
but when they reach me they are small and weak

I feel being pushed into a dreadful wall
With many things to do before that
but there isn't enough time
before the wall reaches me

I don't recognise myself anymore
I want to escape this place
just to find myself again
and to discover what I want in life

This almost permanent state of being alone
separates me from everyone
destroying the support I had
from being alone in the first place

Always trying to find love
instead of letting it find me
destroys my sanity like a mild-killer
to the point where everything in blinding white

Love is a dream

I talk to you as a friend
and you tell me the hurt inside
it pains me having to pretend
but I still keep it all in stride

You would really know how I feel
if your eyes ever looked inside mine
so I continue to conceal
a love brighter then sunshine

I'm with you every single day
and yet you are unable to see
that all the pain would go away
if you would only looked at me

Break this chain
and set yourself free
stop this pain
and just be with me

Love is a dream
that you live through awaked

Life has just begun

I feel that only now life has begun
because before that I wasn't really living
instead, I was preparing for life
and not really living it

This preparation for life was a bit flawed
it felt like I was preparing for a single moment
a place in time where I would use all my skills
like a warrior before some fateful battle

Somehow life has begun
and I don't feel anymore like I'm standing still
I'm moving forward now
to find good and bad things in my path

Love is no longer something too far away
but something to expect finding in my path
and the colour are brighter ad the black is darker
and after the rain there will be a rainbow in the sky

After all said and done

After all said and done
I still have this feeling inside me
something without words that cast a shadow
like a dark cloud that stands above me

What she has done wasn't such a bad thing
but it affected me so much
and now that all the issues have been resolved
this thing still haunts me like before

The answer to this mystery must lie in the past
but I never gave too much thought
inside there is something unresolved
and some memories I cannot reach

I don't know if this is the reason
but many it has to do with the cruelty I've known
when I was a child and a teenager
even if cruelty was not intended but only what I felt

This willingness to forget the past
is haunting me now that I won't remember
but only two incidents come to mind
and a general feeling of sadness in the past

Life with soundtrack

Lately, my life is like a movie
because I can hear the soundtrack in the background
there is always a song for what I'm feeling
even when the radio is playing a different one

Sometimes I'm still maybe an angel
or maybe I could have been
but this feeling is disappearing fast
as the wind no longer makes me fly

Maybe I should put my wings to the ground
because I can't use them anymore
and no more knocking on heaven's door
let alone seeing it from above

Still, maybe I'm no angel
but I feel I could fly
this feeling is just a feeling
because I don't have wings anymore

I'm no angel

I'm no angel, at least not anymore
I don't know if I ever was one
but I felt like an angel
and could fly like one

Maybe angels are like magic
they only exist if someone believes in them
so I guess my wings are gone
if I ever had wings in the first place

I don't know what’s true anymore
and I feel this bitterness inside
maybe I had the heart of an angel
but now it has darkened inside out

Friends kept me from falling
and made the pain slowly fade away
but my mistrust in words of love
will be harder disappear

Four days

When I saw you I wasn't comparing you
Because I had no picture of you in my mind

The first day was a day of discovering
to take a picture of you and add to this feeling
to reconnect to the person I knew so well
and to feel your touch I yearned for so long

The second day was a day of sweetness
to visit new places with a closeness I never felt before
to hold you in my arms loosing myself in your hair
and to finish the day with laughter and hope

The third day was a day of extremes
to cry for you after thinking I could no longer cry
only to find true and complete happiness
with you and a sofa in a moment in time

The forth day was a day of sorrow
to know that I would leave too soon
and not hearing words of hope in your mouth
In a moment of intimacy but with your lips fleeing from mine